YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE NUTBARS

That was, including the all-caps, what someone said to me when I told them I was going on leave for 2 months to write. It is also my reaction any time a woman leaves a male-dominated space, in the tech industry or otherwise. I don’t have children, but I sometimes also see this sentiment in the eyes of a parent tasked with childcare.

Don’t make me deal with this alone. 

When I was younger, I’d be dragged around to various things I had no interest in: weddings, parties, shopping expeditions, road trips, my parents’ workplaces or college reunions, etc. From what I could tell, no one my age enjoyed these things, but we made the best of it because we had no choice. Neither did our parents–especially when we were in countries that prohibited leaving young children on their own. Sometimes I think they dragged us to these things just so they’d have an excuse to leave: Oh, it’s the kids’ bedtime, sorry!

While I’m now an adult, fully capable of refusing social obligations, my trauma response to any invite is “No. Absolutely not. Talking to people? WHY would I subject myself to that?” It takes a long time for me to think past that and ask myself, “Do I really not want to go, or am I just afraid of getting stuck again?”

Here are some of the ways in which being forced into social situations when I was younger have instilled knee-jerk reactions today:

• When I go to a party I always travel alone, rather than carpool, so I can leave on my terms.

• When I’m in any room (e.g. a meeting room or a movie theater) I ensure I can leave without having to climb over others. All those announcements about where the exits are? For me.

• I don’t do potlucks or group tours.

• There are only TWO people in the world with whom I’ll do long road trips. One of them falls asleep as soon as she gets in the car.

• If I think I might get stuck in a situation I don’t like, I plan my exit strategy. e.g. if I’m going to be staying in the same hotel as 50 other people for a wedding or a conference, and I hate it, I will GLADLY leave and forfeit the cost.

• I don’t babysit.

Basically, the only nutbars I want in my life are Twix.

Recently, finally, I read Gone Girl. Then, I watched the movie. I love Ben Affleck, and I know we’re supposed to identify with his character, not with Amy.

But if a spouse asked me to move to Missouri? Instant divorce.

If a man tried to control what I ate, and kept me from leaving the house? He’d be lucky if it ended with a quick throat-slit. 

It’s only in recent years that I’ve started to ask myself whether I’m so allergic to being constrained or controlled that I’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Because there’s (obviously) great intimacy to be had with other people that doesn’t have to feel like an obligation with no exit. For instance, I actually enjoy my job and don’t think of it as a prison to be escaped. I think of retirement not with desperate hope but with genuine wonder: Would I not get bored or lonely? Would I not miss this?

But back to the question of intimacy and social connection. There are the relationships and friendships I’ve built over the years (with many of you) that have only ever felt like a belay harness keeping me from falling, and not like a noose around my neck. Wanting to be closer to people, to know them and be known in turn, is the most universal emotion there is. And it’s worth the risk of getting stuck sometimes. 

Because even when I’m stuck in a bad situation, I’m not stuck alone. Y’all tend not to leave me alone with the nutbars for long.

Or maybe I’m the nutbar. 

After all, I can’t stop looking at this. GAH, Rosamund Pike is incredible. How does she manage to look so cold and so vulnerable at the same time, how does she look directly at you while giving you nothing at all, how does she chill in a bathtub in front of a camera without looking naked?