What to do with your gorilla arms

It’s only when you try to take a professional author photograph that you realize your arms aren’t just disproportionately long, they’re kind of ridiculous and awkward.

Ever since I announced to my family that I wanted to write books, their greatest desire has been to see my photograph on the back cover of a book I’ve authored. When Driving by Starlight was being published, I was a bit ambivalent about this photograph business. Did I really want my face everywhere? I hate being photographed.

But since then, I’ve realized the importance of having good author photographs. I still don’t have any on my site, and I reuse the same two photos any time someone asks me for a bio. Recently, I decided I’d at least get some professional photographs taken to keep in stock, just in case I changed my mind in the future.

I hate being photographed. But the incredible Henrietta Garden managed to get some good headshots. While posing for these, I realized that authors only ever do three things with their arms.

There’s the one where you try to look deep and profound, like you’re thinking about writing the next Booker Prize winner.

Seems as if you’ve got to have a hand on your chin.

So many author photos on this Pinterest board involve the hand on the chin.

So I tried it. I’ve got very long arms and very bad posture, but maybe I look like a real author now? All I can see is that my hand is almost as big as my face.

There are a couple of other options, like crossing your arms over your chest (I just look cold and standoffish) and pretending to write something in a notebook (which I did but I look like a total poser).

I’m still not at peace with having my face plastered everywhere, but if it’s got to happen, I strongly recommend finding a professional photographer, one who believes you when you say that your wingspan is helpful for competitive sports and getting things off the top shelf, but not really the best for looking like a professional author.