How to deal with snobs
I was going to title this “How to deal with snobs and assholes” but a snob is just a particular flavor of asshole (you’re welcome for that image) and I figured snobs were worth their own dedicated post.
No discussion of snobbery is complete without a taxonomy of snobs. After all, if we can’t identify the particular type of snob we’re dealing with we might choose the wrong approach to dealing with them. #Meta-snobbery!
Snob Type 1: Unintentional snob
Symptom: Let them eat cake*
*Historians do not believe Marie Antoinette ever said this.
This was me. I never thought we were particularly wealthy growing up, so snobbery was something I assumed was the domain of the folks on Dynasty. I didn’t even know what a brand was. But I was blind to the privileges I did have, or the prejudices I’d inherited. You might have caught me wincing at the thought of going to a community college. I’d hold it in rather than go to a public bathroom. A decade ago I’d have turned my nose up at commercial fiction or self-publishing.
Tactic: Educate.
Point them to resources that will broaden their horizons and change their mind. Examples of what helped me were Tara Westover’s Educated, Claude Steele’s Whistling Vivaldi, Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility, Matthew Salesses Craft in the Real World, and various essays by Arundhati Roy.
Snob Type 2: Specific snob
Symptom: Let me tell you about the Bekaa valley
This is usually someone who’s generally not a snob, until you say something that triggers a long lecture about the details of wine-making, or why fixies and folding bikes are heresy, or why coconuts must be grated by hand and not freeze-dried. Sometimes this type of snob is very particular about their own wine / bike / coconuts, but does not preach. Sometimes, though, they can’t handle you making choices they wouldn’t make, and offer to elevate your tastes. The more you resist, the more they insist.
Tactic: Indulge.
Their snobbery is actually an awkward love-language. They want you to experience the bliss they feel. Pretend to taste the raspberries in the wine if you have to. Sometimes, you have to let your family hug you. It’s the same thing.
Snob Type 3: Intellectual snob
Symptom: Well, actually…
High IQ, low EQ. They’ve got this far by sheer intellectual prowess, with a long list of prizes, degrees and credentials to show their pedigree. They don’t understand why everyone else isn’t keeping up. Why there’s so much drama. Why their team can’t do what they could. They’re always ready to explain (but less ready to listen). They probably don’t even think intellectual snobbery is snobbery per se–in any meritocracy there are some people who are just smarter than others, and there’s a bell curve. To be on the right edge of the bell curve isn’t pretentious; it’s just a fact. If you just looked at things objectively, you’d understand.
Tactic: Dominate.
While the instinct is to avoid these snobs, they do tend to have a lot of power in today’s world. You’re better off pulling the Alpha routine–these snobs really just want validation from a parental figure. If you dominate with high EQ, offering them both love and critique, they’ll roll right over.
Snob Type 4: Unrepentant snob
Symptom: Let me be blunt; no offense, but…
They know they’re a snob. They don’t care that they’re a snob. Moreover, society rewards them for being a snob. The more they punch down, the more views they get on social media, the more others goad them on, the snobbier they get. Britain seems to have a couple of these guys (it’s usually guys, although we do also have Suella Braverman). They bemoan the erosion of Quality in society (and other Capital-Letter things like Patriotism and Family). They curse the mobs for trying to pitchfork them into having a conscience. They occasionally point their snobbery in a productive direction, going after something truly vile, which immediately prompts a redemption arc. Soon, you may forget that the snob you’re attracted to* once said something like: “A woman who utters such disgusting and depressing noises has no right to be anywhere. No right to live. Remember that you're a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech. That your native language is the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible.”
Tactic: Avoid.
While the temptation is to engage these snobs, all attention is good attention and feeds their snobbery. To the extent possible, steer clear of such snobs–you’re just a snack to them.
* I mean, he’s standing in a LIBRARY and talking in that accent…
Snob Type 5: Self-aware snob
Symptom: Yes, I know it’s ridiculous.
When I visited C a couple of weeks ago, she laughed upon seeing silk pajamas at a spa. She turned to me and said, “You’re probably someone who has silk pajamas.” Yes. In fact, I’d brought three silk pajamas for the 1-week trip (THEY FOLD SO SMALL!) Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. You know what else is ridiculous? That I bring my own tajin chili to restaurants.
Tactic: Laugh.
They will laugh with you. They’re trying, I promise.
What do you think? Any snobs I missed?